BREAKING UP
Saying Good-Bye
Dear Diva,
What is the best way to break off a
relationship?
Angie in
Alcatraz
Dear Prisoner,
In a January
27, 1998 interview, Hillary Clinton said “we have been married for
22 years, and that means we know everything another person could
know about each other.” You have been in a relationship and have
known the problems and the prizes. Only you can know if it’s time
to quit.
Angie dear,
if you are truly in a relationship resembling Alcatraz, you must
leave. It’s that simple. You have fallen out of touch with the
world and any support you might have, and have lost touch with
yourself. Relationships rarely last forever, though some do.
Relationships change as we change, so drop all the Cleaver Family
expectations and get realistic. You see, what we have to give in a
relationship is the important thing. If you are trapped, then you
have nothing to give. Why you can’t even be yourself!
There is no
good way to leave, and you must have faith that time will heal open
wounds resulting from your departure. Be kind, don’t make
ultimatums and keep the focus on the future, not a rehash of the
past. It is difficult, darling, to refrain from mentioning her
infidelities, snoring, slovenliness, lies, odors, annoying habits –
whatever – for sure, but they are not the subject. The fact is,
your life must work for you, and your current one does not.
Organize
yourself so you don’t need to come running back to pick up clothes
or in need of shelter. Leave and stay left. Let some time pass and
contact her to discuss closure if need be. And good luck.
Consolation Seduction
Dear Diva,
How can I console my recently-dumped
roommate and get him in the sack at the same time?
Dichotomy Dilemma
Dear Dummy,
Recently-dumped men want
to feel better and resort to any sort of stimuli to achieve the
result. During the time of distractionary pleasures, the feelings
men run from are buried or forgotten, at which point the man opens
his eyes and wonders why in Heaven he is involved with, in this
case, YOU! Then, you get to be ‘recently-dumped friend’. He may
then realize you are no friend at all, having violated his
vulnerability for your own lust, and men HATE to be reminded they
are vulnerable. You’ve now achieved enemy status. Way to go:
recently-dumped and enemy. It goes on from there. Word gets out,
you are one who takes advantage, you are an untrustworthy friend, a
liar, whatever. Add them to the list sister. Now, shall we
continue, or do you get the point. Be his friend, sweetheart. If
the friendship lasts (and men reward loyalty with all sorts of kind
measures), he may even grow to love reliable, understanding you
(though don’t expect him to admit it).
Children Of Divorce
Love
Children, Guide Them By Example
Several months ago a woman named Mary contacted Dear DivaÔ
via e-mail. She began a dialogue about a friend of hers who is
going through a difficult divorce. As this is a legal case, the
names have been changed. Mary, a straight woman who saw a Dear Diva
Live! stage show in Virginia, has a friend, Jeff, who is must have
an adult accompany him in his visitation with his daughter, Leslie,
to fulfill a court order. His ex-wife, Sarah, is fighting him tooth
and nail. Now, my gay friends, please don’t turn your noses up at
this situation because it is straight. It is one many of you grew
up with or will witness in your lives, either as visitation
supervisors, or as parents.
Over the course of our correspondence, Sarah has proved a horrible
bitch, pardon the language, and seems destined to turn her daughter
into one too. Now, it is not acceptable to automatically label
women as bitches, unless earned! The Judge in the case says if
Sarah speaks ill of her ex-husband in front of the child or in any
way attempts to poison the child’s mind against him, she’ll be fined
$1,000 for the first offense and spend 1 week in prison for every
slanderous comment after that. Well, readers, the Judge is about to
be able to afford a complete interior redecoration of Chambers! As
for Sarah, she may just meet her match in prison. Now, read along
with the last two messages!
Mary Letter #1
Dear Diva,
I really
need some feedback from you. Here is the situation...... Sarah told
Jeff that Leslie told her that Jeff and I refused to let her call
her mother last weekend -- and that we had actually PUT OUR HANDS
OVER THE TELEPHONE AND REFUSED TO LET HER PICK IT UP! I don't know
if this is getting over my head, but I feel very apprehensive about
where this could be heading -- because I said to Jeff a long time
ago that Sarah was so out of control that I felt that she could
easily target ME at some point in time and I would be very
vulnerable -- like I am the one who goes to public restrooms with
her and so on..... Do you think I should get a lawyer? Do you
think I should tell Jeff that things are just too hairy (this is
exactly what Sarah wants, mind you)? or what? I feel like Sarah is
out of control and I need to take some steps to protect myself...
what do you think?
If no one
has told you yet, Happy Valentine's Day...... hope it's a good
one......
love,
Mary
Well! My
dears! To this Diva responded a hearty YES! Get a lawyer, write down
every detail of these experiences and send a letter to Jeff, his
lawyer and the Judge requesting some sort of protection if she is to
continue as visitation supervisor. It is important to remember in a
situation like this that the point of focus is on the child and her
well being (now and for her psychological future), not on
ourselves. Admittedly difficult, my bar-fly friends, but
necessary. When children come into our lives we must meet the
challenge to give them a good self image, love and a sense that
adulthood is not just a colossal inconvenience. Her next e-mail
came two days later…
Mary Letter #2
Dear Diva,
Done it!
That is, send Jeff a letter AND given his lawyer a copy, so it is
all down on paper. I outlined several instances where I felt Sarah
had crossed the line, including spreading rumors that I was sleeping
with Jeff, having been asked about THAT as recently as about 2 weeks
ago by people who are close to Sarah. Gimme a break. Jeff in his
own way is a nice guy, but would I want to get involved with a guy
who is involved in this messy, messy divorce with SARAH?? Get a
grip, people. I don't think so, I'm too smart for that. In fact,
it feels good NOT to be in danger of Sarah attacking me now. I feel
sorry for Jeff, but I gave him plenty of notice to be able to find
someone else and/or the lawyers were supposed to meet with the judge
yesterday morning and if they could iron out some protection for me,
well then fine.... like I told Jeff, this really can't hurt. And
if I can be a catalyst for Sarah to start paying consequences for
her actions, well, so be it. That'd be a start, huh? She has been
skating on thin ice for a long time.
You should
see her now. She’s lost weight, I think personally she is anorexic,
her clothes are absolutely hanging on her, she looks gaunt. I know
she just has herself convinced this is the worst thing that ever
happened to her in her life, but if she would get herself together
and get on with her life she would feel a lot better. Actually, I
think she really expected Jeff to sit around and take her crap for
the rest of his life. She thought that because she had a child she
had it made – he would never leave. She was wrong. I don't think
she is really thinking about the long-term consequences to poor
little Leslie. That kid is screwed up already. She is a Junior
Sarah In Training. Holy Cow!!!!
Dear Mary,
You have done great good for little Leslie, but the time of your
effectiveness in the situation is at an end. Jeff needs to find
other solutions and remember – he married the bitch in the first
place! As for Sarah, we must always keep in mind that people must
live with themselves. Rotten people have rotten lives, how
perfect! Keep in touch with little Leslie, remember her birthdays
and holidays and give her some gifts. Drop what you are doing right
now and send a little card to her at Jeff’s home - her name on the
outside of the envelope only, not his. Tell her she is a wonderful
little girl and you are her friend. Do not say one ill word of her
horror of a mother, unless of course you want to be like Sarah
yourself…
Next chance, invite Jeff out for a nice meal or coffee to
reestablish your friendship, and you may even want to invite him and
Leslie over sometime. Now Mary, stop pouting. It is the least you
can do for that child. You may be the only other example of
womanhood she has. Keep his lawyer informed of anything pertinent
and get back to your life. With your help, Leslie may just have a
chance at some happiness in her future relationships. Let’s hope
she turns out lesbian so she doesn’t imitate her mother’s actions
with men.
Apart - Together - Apart - …
Dear Diva,
My boyfriend and I broke up last week. We even had a
farewell love making to put closure on it. Well, last night we sat
in my car talking for three hours and then he came to my house and
spent the night. It was nice, and I did want him there (I told him
I didn’t want to wake up alone).
Diva, we talked a lot. He said things that I have
always dreamed of a man saying to me, but he said other things too.
He told me that I am not the one, and he is afraid if he is
with me he’ll miss the one. He also said that I have too
much body hair for him. But he loves me and I love him. I think we
should spend time and regain our friendship, like in the beginning,
and see if anything will come of it. He says that is okay for him,
but he is giving me mixed signals. Was it wrong to spend the night
with him? What should I do?
Hate Being
Alone
Dear Ape,
Make a promise to Diva. Promise that you will never allow this man
in her presence! As if body hair determines one’s qualifications
for matrimony! Tell Mr. Rogaine to rush to the boyfriend store so
he can get his life mate as soon as the plastic manufacturer
distributes it! Too hairy to marry, hrmph.
My dear, you do yourself a grand injustice. Your letter sounds like
you believe the bad things he says and can’t accept the good.
Diva’s judgment on the situation is that you are far too good for
him, and it is that goodness that makes you not be the italicized
one. Go to the mirror, look yourself in the eyes, smile and say
“You are lovable. You are desirable. You are the perfect mate.
Your hair looks great!” Do this ten times a day for six months and
you will begin to walk tall.
So stop dragging your knuckles on the ground and believe in
yourself. Find a man who enjoys you for who you are. Perhaps he’ll
also enjoy braiding! But if you find yourself hanging out near the
Nair display at the drugstore, rush to the mirror and redouble your
affirmations.
As for sex, you slept with him, big deal. If it was good (and you
used condoms) then just smile your afterglow into the next day. If
not, don’t go drinking at that well again.
Grieving Loss
Dear Diva,
How do you get over an ex quick and painlessly?
Hurting
Dear
Dumped,
You were dumped, right? People who have walked out on somebody
don’t need to get over the ex, but need to get over themselves.
Pity be with you, child, for you now experience the flip side of
having actually loved. As long and as painful the process is
indicates how much the relationship meant to you, how much love you
gave. My dear, you are lucky! There are many of the meat mongers
out there who wonder forever what it would be like to have a
regular love in their life.
But, you are in pain. As Diva has shared before in this column,
there are three rules for grieving and recovering:
1)
Surround yourself with
beauty.
Whatever you consider that to be - fine china, art prints, music,
feather boas or just looking at yourself in the mirror. Beauty
reminds us the world’s a wonderful place with loads to offer.
2)
Don’t drink or take
drugs.
For heaven sake, feel the feelings you’ve earned, it means you are
alive and healthy. Yes Healthy! Don’t listen to those John Wayne
throw-backs from the 50s who preach the evils of feeling. Cry,
write long ridiculous poems, cut his clothes into tiny pieces.
Process your grief, don’t medicate it.
3)
If you’ve
a chance to sit quietly or go out with new people, do the
impossible - sit quietly by yourself. Imagine it from the
side of new friends - handsome guy, seems nice, but get him alone
and he gets weepy, clingy, needy, ucky! Wait until you’re
yourself again, then meet the world on fair terms.
You will bloom again.
Looking For New Love
Dear Diva,
A friend of mine recently broke up with his significant
other and is looking for a new love but can't seem to get over his
ex. Please help.
Friend
Dear Concerned,
Diva knows that
your concern isn't all that innocent. It's okay to be interested in
him yourself, you can tell Diva. It is entirely understandable to
be concerned about your friend, whether your concern is for his
happiness or more vulturely interests, but the fact is that every
break up has its required grieving time. During this time we often
'look for a new love,' but until we have grieved the old, any new
love will be a replacement to fill the hole in our heart. These
rebound affairs often sink before they are out of the harbor.
Gay people often
don't have the support for relationships that we need, and thus our
grieving is not supported either. The best thing to do is to be a
friend, help him grieve and then, when he seems honestly interested,
start suggesting new activities. Once when Diva had gotten a messy
divorce after a long relationship (it was at least two hours), she
found herself wanting more, but not satisfied with any of the men
who threw themselves at her feet. Diva knew this was not right, and
sat and cried with her friend Miss Manners, who helped her grieve.
Well, in another fifteen minutes the grieving was over (to hell with
that tired old queen anyway) and we went to a tractor pull. Just
when they were into the deep mud race Diva found the next man of her
dreams!
Stupid Mistakes
Dear Diva,
My boyfriend and I broke up over stupid mistakes that I
made and terrible things that I said. I realize now that I truly
love him and that he's more important to me than my bad habits
(spending too much, i.e., debt, and making him feel I'm limiting his
freedom). I want another chance to make things right between us now,
taking steps to change my behavior, and realizing that hindsight
really is 20/20. I know he still loves me but others in the "bar
scene" are telling him to forget about it, and he's listening to
them. How can I reunite the two of us who are still very much in
love?
I've tried apologizing, sending flowers, writing poems, taking an ad
out in the blade and sending cards. As tokens of my sincerity and
symbols of my love. I'm also taking concrete steps to change by
cutting up my credit cards and getting debt counseling, as well as
trying to be more aware of his needs for personal freedom and
friendship.
I know he's scared that things won't really change and
he prizes his new found freedom very much. However, I know in my
heart how much he means to me and I know that I will change and will
give him his freedom. I've learned my lesson a very hard way--but I
have learned! I just don't see how to make him both understand and
believe this. Please help! With much hope and thanks,
Mike
My Poem:
One true love
One true man
Hand in hand to walk this earth
Held together by solemn word and bond.
A love created to last forever more
A dream from heaven brought to life
For this shall I endure and fight.
Dear Mike,
Diva is flattered
that you took so much time to write, and she certainly hopes that
things turn out for the best. It is always difficult when our own
human failings get in the way of our relationships, and other people
get hurt in the process. Diva hears how much you love him, and
doesn't want you to be in pain. However, sometimes avoiding pain in
the moment means greater pain in the long run.
In our dealings
with people in our lives there are two sicknesses: co-dependence and
independence. What we seek is inter-dependence - the healthy way to
have relationships. It seems that you two have both sorts of
sickness. You, in deciding to work to overcome your shortcomings,
are clearly co-dependent, for you are proposing to improve your
character for him, or for the goal of getting him back. You
ought to do this self-improvement work for yourself, to become the
best person you can be, no matter who is in your life. On the other
hand, Michael love, it sounds like your estranged mate suffers from
the sickness of independence, and is surrounded by others who might
advocate isolation as solution to domestic problems. It is a
difficult situation.
Love is not easy,
and it requires much hard work on both ends. When a person is hell
bent on living independently, the prospect of being with a person
who will 'do anything for love' is pretty scary. Your beau may not
regain his interest, or be willing to act on the love he feels for
you, until you show signs of maturity and self-reliance. When you
truly know you will be fine with or without him or any other
specific person, you will exude a type of confidence that is
irresistible. Likewise, when he gets enough of playing alone in his
sandbox, he will show signs of compassion that will make others
eager to be with him. Diva suspects that when each of you moves
toward the position of the other a bit, that is when you will find a
rekindling of love.
You will never
return to what you two had in the past, and any thoughts of that are
folly. What is possible is a brand new relationship with him, based
on new foundation of maturity and self respect. Then, and only
then, will you two find what is possible for you as a couple, and at
that time you will be gleefully happy, so much so that you will be
glad you did the work on your own side of the street.
Thank you for the
poem, Diva has put it up on her refrigerator door. Good luck sweet
Michael.
Ex-Lover In The Way
Dear Diva,
My boyfriend is always on the phone with his ex-lover.
It seems like whenever he needs to talk to someone he calls him.
How do I deal with the situation?
Jealous
Dear Jealous,
Diva would not
stand for that at all. Scratch his eyes out, girl! But there are,
too, those situations in which the past is not so easily ignored.
Diva knows many who own homes jointly, have children, work together,
etc. Each situation has its reasonable needs for continued
contact. However, if your boyfriend is suffering from the "absence
makes the heart grow fonder" syndrome, then I would wish him and his
ex a very happy life together on the phone and strike out for new
lands. In other words, dump him and come visit Diva. I will pay
you undivided attention, as you deserve.
Ending Relationship
Dear Diva,
For the past year I've
been seeing this bisexual guy. I've always wanted a relationship
with him, but he is not ready as he's never had a relationship with
a man before. Meanwhile, I've met another man who wants a
relationship. I like this new guy a lot and I have lost my sexual
feelings (most of them anyway) for the bisexual man. Over the past
year I've gotten a good friendship with the bisexual guy that I
don't want to lose. How can I "end things" with the bisexual guy
without ending our friendship?
Confused
Dear Confused,
Diva thinks
she might be writing to a very fickle young man, no? Ah the web we
weave. In our culture we know very well how to get into bed with a
man, but we don't know how to get out of bed very well, no do we?
Diva admits, she has in fits of frustration simply had the bedroom
guards carry the offending man away and throw him into the dumpster,
but that is hardly the way.
If there is
indeed a good, solid friendship with the bisexual man, then it will
endure. If the friendship is built on sex or guilt, then there is
no friendship to begin with. So, what to do? Simply go by the
saying that honesty is the best policy and tell him that you want
his friendship but not his sex. Wait! Diva has heard that before
and wasn't too thrilled at the time.
Perhaps you
can plan some outings with this biway-man that don't leave room for
sex, but are loads of fun. Go to King's Dominion, or the Zoo. Have
a party with friends, or go to parties together. Learn how good
friends you really are without the sense of rejection creeping in
there. Then, when the question of sex comes up, you can tell him
gently, pointing out that you two have had some wonderful sex-free
times which will continue. If that leaves him half-satisfied, send
him to visit Diva...
Lesbian Dog Walking
Dear Diva,
I have a job walking dogs
for a lesbian couple. Their two schnauzers are actually very nice,
and I love animals - non-human ones.
These dykes are a different story.
Some time after I took the job, they got divorces (she wants
children, she does not). So they separated, but couldn’t allow the
dogs to be separated. Their arrangement is that first one has them
for a week, then the other. Well, it started fine. I went, walked
the dogs, bagged their poo, and returned them home. Then the war
heated up. Suddenly, I am responsible for delivering the dogs
between them on drop off day, because they can’t stand to see each
other. Then, I am asked to deliver first messages between them, and
now it’s notes. Nasty notes. Things are getting worse, and I’m in
the middle. I hate to see the dogs suffer, but I’ve had it with
these two. What should I do?
Caught on the leash
Dear Hounded,
However did
you get in this profession? How interesting. You must have great
legs from all that walking, but what do you smell like after a day
of work? It must be challenging.
Ah me, God
hath no wrath like a woman scorned - and there are two of them!
Poor you. The immediate thing to do is triple your fee for the
walking and scooping, and charge psychiatrist fees for the marriage
counseling. What ever you do, don’t get caught in the middle. Take
no sides, answer no questions. In fact, learn American Sign
Language and use no verbal communication with either one of them.
Do you know what angry dykes are capable of? My dear, watch your
back at all times and start Kung Fu lessons immediately.
Personally, Diva prefers prissy old queens, alone with their poodles
and fortunes and nasty as the day is long. They won’t do bodily
harm to you no matter what, it might break a nail.
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