Cheery-O, and Don’t Come Back Soon!
Have you seen the Dame Edna Royal Tour?
Well, you should. It is delightful and far too long overdue. She is
witty, clever and terribly funny. Her show, which is largely
structured improvisation and interaction with the audience, recaptures
much of the electric imagination of her television show and brings it
home. Her caustic wit tiptoes right to the edge of abusive, and only
touches a toe over the line a few times. She loves to insult, and her
insults are based on socio-economic class differences - how
Dickensonian. But in double layered social satire, she only attacks
the most superficial traits of the class barrier, making fun of the
barrier itself. She possesses a superior mind, disarming as Wilde and
dark as Nitsche, and she always has the upper hand.
But there is a problem. She, unlike real Dames,
has no noblesse oblige and little class in her own deportment. The
grand dames of the San Francisco Imperial Court, (just like actor
Barry Humphries behind the Edna mask who have declared themselves to
be title holders and are men dressed in dresses), came en masse to her
show, only to be ignored. Now this wouldn’t necessarily rankle, but
San Francisco has a long and admirable tradition of using public
spectacle to raise funds for the unfortunate, and these local royals
have set the stage nationwide for charitable fundraising in gay
communities. Edna, on the other hand, refused to hostess a fundraiser
for the AIDS Emergency Fund, which was the brain child of her
publicist. In fact, Edna dissed and dismissed most interview
opportunities as beneath her, and ran her publicists ragged preventing
them from doing their job.
Now, the show is billed as a Royal Tour, as the long
awaited American arrival of this pop icon. But that is a sham, dears,
there is no tour. Like her own megastardom, it exists only in her own
mind. Don’t look for this show in New York, Los Angeles or Miami
anytime soon. Impressions are just impressions. If it does come to
your town, prepare yourself for a skunk and a porcupine. Perhaps she
would prefer us to act as her endearing term for us - possums! Let’s
all play dead.
Oh, one announcement! Dame Edna - it’s time for your close up!
Newt Gingrich, Alfonso D’Amato
Farewell Newt, D’Amato
Gone the jowls, the paunch; gone the white bouffant. Missing the
moralistic Muppets, with their holier than thou tails dragging behind
them. Now don’t fret girls, we still have some very real ogres to
contend with, but Strom Thurmon and Jessie Helms don’t have much vigor
now that the wind has been knocked out of their sails. How did it
In 1980 we were thrust back into the 50s by an addled Reagan, just in
time to systematically ignore AIDS and effect a genocide on our
community. It was followed by the greed years when social freedom was
replaced by bowls of cocaine at parties, and educated debate became
juvenile tantrum. The national debt ballooned in direct proportion to
rhetoric as the Moral Majority became the Religious Right, while we
took to the streets and lost our political virginity. Star Wars and
Cold Wars kept Clancey on the best seller list and distracted the
public from its own conscience. But the writing was on the wall when,
in the wake of the crumbling Berlin Wall, Eastern European communism
collapsed and China renounced economic Socialism. And America snuggled
into cozy, self-righteous imperialism.
Without our government to rely on, gays came forward to help our own
ill. Lesbians tended sick and dying gay men, young people learned
funeral etiquette, small towns had Gay Pride festivals. The pink
barrets walked the streets to help prevent bashings, and community
health centers became as common a gathering place as dark disco bars.
When the Gay Games brought gay athletes out of the closet, we found
that the boy and girl next door were gay too, and Hollywood, that
bastion of liberal stars promoting themselves with their issues but
stuck hopelessly in the closet, became brave enough to experiment with
non-kissing gay couples in mainstream films. Elizabeth Taylor and
Doris Day, bereaved of their beloved Rock Hudson, braved public
opinion as only women can and became icons of support for us. The
Names Project gave us something to do with the things people left
behind and personal dignity became part of being gay.
Undeniable humanity; indisputable dignity; unstoppable progress.
Republicans were afraid. Nancy Reagan’s hard hair hovered over her
huge head telling lost millions of children to just say no, as her
husband took away their lunches and teachers. Mercenary sports took
over our airwaves on Super Bowl days – men proving themselves by being
brutal – while national emergency telephone lines were created to help
the women brutalized and beaten by those brazened men. Reagan left the
keys of the kingdom to George Bush, who’s idea of strength was to hold
a computer game war. Then it changed.
Desert Storm and Family Values failed to re-elect Bush, and as Clinton
took office, the military minded Republicans thrust his promise to
liberalize military policy on gays down his throat. What nobody ever
knew was the departing administration had requested repainting and
re-telephoning of the Old Executive Office Building, timed so the
newly arriving staff found all office furniture in storage rooms and
few working telephone lines. Yet in face of these mean-spirited,
junior high pranks, Clinton and Gore managed to put the issue to rest
with a measly compromise and charged forward to heal the nation.
Clinton was re-elected, minorities were brought into high places, gays
had a place at the table and the debt shrank.
With nothing but national healing happening, the Republicans focused
on Clinton’s already famous libido (as did several women around him)
and managed to take control of Congress. Newt came up with his
Contract On America and, like a neighborhood bully, ripped his way
through government making enemies of his own people and showing
America just what it had voted for: a shut down government and harsh
cruelty administered to the down-trodden, the children and the
homeless. Arlan Specter, vilest of the vile, made public mincemeat of
Anita; OJ took spousal abuse and our justice system to horrid new
lows; and Nancy’s just nay-saying children grew up to be a lost
generation. So when Clinton got caught with a smoking cigar in his
hand, Newt and Company jumped at their chance, making way for Starr to
publish the first government sponsored soft-core pornography.
Well, it seems we’ve had enough. And as Newt and D’Amato skulk into
the background while Helms and Thurmon slowly stop ticking, a new day
has dawned. To all gays, blacks, women and minorities who got out and
voted, take pride in your accomplishment. Now the job is to keep
going. There will be more Matthew Shepards if we don’t act
consistently. Keep voting, keep being outraged by the outrageous, even
when it is called such patriotic names as Family Values and Small
Government. And Newt, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your
The Empress Is A
Imagine this: the year is 1947, you are a sailor with shore leave in
San Francisco. You’re given a guide book and in it is a list of bars
you should NOT frequent. Among them is The Black Cat - notorious for a
flamboyant, crossed-dressed singer doing opera spoofs. Where do you
go? You got it! The Black Cat!
You arrive on a Sunday afternoon and find yourself helping push the
tables together to make a stage; if you are on the apron of this
‘stage’ you must lean in, holding the tables together. The piano
starts playing operatic fanfares and soon appears Jose Sarria, scarf
flamboyantly draped around his neck, standing tall in bright red pumps
(three articles of women’s clothing worn at once is illegal except for
Halloween or New Year’s Eve, but not New Year’s Day which begins at
midnight). His rich voice fills the room with the familiar tunes of
Carmen, or Tosca, or Traviatta. But then you hear the words - off
color double-entendres hinting at men having sex with men and other
naughty delights; raucous laughter mixes with salacious ideas. You
Police raid the club regularly and soon there is a city ordinance
making it illegal for bartenders to serve homosexual men. The Black
Cat and other bars are in jeopardy. Enter Jose Sarria, banding
together bar owners into the Tavern Guild, and also forming a
community minded group called SIR (Society for Individual Rights). The
ordinance is challenged and court proceedings are under way. Jose has
invited all of his regular patrons, now wearing suits and ties, to the
courtroom and takes the stand. “Your Honor,” he says, “would you
please help me demonstrate something. You are the bar tender and the
people in this court room are potential customers. Which ones may be
served?” The judge looks over the crowd and admits he has no way of
knowing. Gavel to wood - WHACK! Ordinance overturned! Every man pulls
a pink hankie from his suit pocket and waves to the departing judge.
Gay liberation has begun.
The Winter Ball hosts many drag queens, but the time, date and
location are kept secret. It is a race each year between police and
drag queens. The year Jose is crowned “Queen of the Ball,” she
snatches the newly placed crown from her coiffure, commenting that
everyone already knows she’s a queen, they’ll have to do better. Then
deftly pulls out another crown and names herself Jose I, Empress of
San Francisco. A new Empress is to be elected each year, and all
functions during the year are to raise money for local charities,
mirroring the tradition in San Francisco of supporting the crazies and
eccentrics – particularly Joshua Abraham Norton, who, after loosing
his gold rush fortune with bad investments into rice, declared himself
Emperor of These United States and Protector of Mexico. Two newly
elected Empresses later, gay San Francisco was beginning to associate
the office with the antics of these queens, and Jose needed to
distance him/herself. In a grand ceremonial visit to Joshua’s grave
site, she donned widow’s weeds and declared herself the Widow Norton.
And every year since, for more than 30 years, she has made her annual
pilgrimage to Joshua’s grave to swear in the new Empress and Emperor.
Today there are more than 67 Imperial Courts throughout the world,
raising millions of dollars each year for local charities - a Gay
The community looked to Jose for leadership, and in 1965, Jose ran for
City Supervisor – the first openly gay candidate to run for public
office in America. In a panic, the city added more than a dozen
candidates to the field just days before the election to confuse the
populace. Jose lost the election, but won more than 6,000 votes. Ever
since the gay community is viewed as a viable political force – now
Diva is bending your ear in hopes you will learn about our roots and
get acquainted with one of our most colorful sisters. The whole story,
with all the gory details can be read in the newly published volume
“The Empress Is A Man: Stories from the Life of Jose Sarria” [by
Michael R. Gorman; The Haworth Press]. Reading this book is a vibrant
experience, filled with glitz, glamour and generosity, reminding us
that we, today, must work together to support and appreciate each
other. For, cut into the stone of Jose’s grave (yes, girls, this past
year the trip to the cemetery featured the unveiling of her
gravestone, and no, she’s not dead yet!) are her immortal words:
“United we stand, divided they’ll catch us one by one.”
The new tide of Republicanism has me terrified. I keep reading the
news and feel like gays will soon be hunted and hanged. You're in
Washington, do something!
There isn't very much that Diva can do about Washington politics. But
Diva has been asked to give you some advice, so stop your constant
drivel and listen. You seem to have opinions on every subject under
the sun, but lack some common sense.
First, the hair must go. I know you choose the large white poof
because it worked so well for Barbara Bush, but, my dear, she balanced
it with those dowdy pearls and a puffy bosom. Now you've got the puffy
bosom going on, but the pearls are missing and, I'm sorry to say, so
is the dignity she had.
Second, we must discuss your definition of sex. You were quoted as
saying (I paraphrase) that if someone gives you head then it doesn't
count as sleeping with them. Puhleeze! That is as believable as saying
that you could meet with Rupert Murdock just before you sign a
multimillion dollar contract with him and that you didn't discuss the
contract! You are either a witty little rascal or an idiot. You're
Sex between mutually consenting adults is sex. Sleeping together
assumes that you did it in a bed, but that is only a euphemism left
over from Queen Victoria. Come on Newt, pull your head out of the sand
and take a look at the world. Infidelity is any sexual indiscretion
you might commit.
So Diva advises a new hairdo and some morals. That should fix you up
Roisin McAliskey –
Her Freedom and Gay Liberation
Bernadette Devlin McAliskey, first woman and youngest elected Member
of British Parliament, is one of our strongest supporters. Sixteen
months ago, while at home with her husband, and pregnant daughter,
Roisin (pronounced Row-sheen). British paratroopers landed on their
lawn while a government assassin squad broke down the front door.
Bernadette and her husband were shot at point blank range. The soldier
shooting at Bernadette pumped seven bullets into her when his gun
jammed. He fixed the problem and shot the last bullet into her.
Meanwhile, her pregnant daughter was kidnapped and dragged into prison
with no charges filed against her.
Due to the charity of one soldier who gave some first aid, Bernadette
lived. She was targeted because she has fought for human rights all of
her life, and has not backed down in her quest for the independence of
Northern Ireland. One of her mottoes is “Justice Delayed is Justice
Denied.” In prison, her daughter Roisin was tortured, starved, beaten,
chained to a table to give birth to a daughter whom they threatened to
take from her, and humiliated. Roisin was released, along with her
baby daughter, last week.
What does all of this have to do with the gay community? Why should we
care? I mean, she is straight, Irish and way far away.
Bernadette Devlin McAliskey, at a victory celebration flanked by
Angela Davis, gay activist and City Supervisor Tom Amiano and Mayor
Willie Brown, did not mention her own wounds or attack once, yet she
mentioned human rights for gays and lesbians several times. In fact,
she pointed to the largely Irish crowd and said she saw few of them at
any of the Gay Rights rallies she has addressed. In fact, she said
that though there was a victory in her daughter’s release, there was
much more work to be done. And it was Gay Rights she mentioned over
Put down your latte, miss a day at the gym, buy a cheaper brand of
hair gel and look beyond our community. We have supporters we cannot
imagine, supporters who will risk their lives for our freedoms. We
take a dim view of politicians, having had such bad examples presented
to us, and reject the wisdom of an older generation because their
bodies aren’t firm and pretty. Yet every person willing to give up a
normal life to work for human rights is a hero for us. And these
people need our support, our volunteer hours.
Go and work for one of the many political organizations working for
you. Tell them Dear Diva sent you.
How in hell can a gay action figure doll be a spokesperson for gay
rights, or anything else for that matter? I can’t believe it. This
Billy doll thing is ridiculous, if you ask me.
Gave Up Childish Things
Dear Mister Maturity,
Nobody did ask you. Diva certainly didn’t! Oh, she’s read all of the
articles in the papers, has gotten a San Francisco Billy, a Cowboy
Billy and a Master Billy to study. Did you know they are anatomically
correct? If 13” of height gives .75” of length, then a 6’4” one would
wield …. Help me you math nerds! What is the math here. It must be a
Diva called Totem International in New York to pass on your question
(on MCI of course), and was told to ask the Billies themselves. So,
that is just what she will do. Watch in Wire for the upcoming
interview. Diva will get to the bottom of these Bills. And there is
even talk of a video interview for Live Wire!
BY DEAR DIVA®
I first heard of Billy in an article in the San Francisco newspaper.
After a lifetime of frustration with boring Kens and GI Joes, it was
welcome to have a new - accurate! - representation of maleness. The
article included some reactions from gay activists which bothered me.
I decided to call Billy’s representatives and find out what the real
Billy was like and why he was getting so much attention worldwide. The
result is the following interview. I must say, of all the interviews
I’ve done this has been the most fun. We sat around and just talked.
Granted there were photographers, videographers, make-up assistants,
cooks, liveried staff and the usual hangers on, but it was the most
intimate setting possible when dealing with hugely popular cultural
icons. Enjoy getting to know Billy as I did. The best thing about
Billy is, if you like him in any of his incarnations, you can take him
home! Just like in the old days!
DD: Hello boys! I’m Dear Diva, the gay advice
columnist. I want to thank you for taking time out of your busy
promotional schedule to allow me to interview you. Are you all
DD: Splendid! So let’s get started. Now
Cowboy, was it difficult growing up in the west? I mean, other cowboys
must’ve given you loads of trouble.
Cowboy: No, not really difficult. Those cowboys get real friendly when
they are out west. The only trouble I got myself into was trouble I
wanted, if you get my drift.
DD: I’d love to get your drift, Cowboy. Now,
don’t be shy. Tell us what kind of trouble you wanted to get into with
those western boys? Did you like to ride and rope, or were you more
the keeper of the little house on the prairie?
Cowboy: I sure did like to rope and ride, and I also liked to keep
house, but I certainly wasn’t hiding in a little prairie closet like
the rest of the guys. Not me, closets are for fabulous outfits, not
DD: I couldn’t agree more! You should come
and try on some of my outfits some day. I love your boots, perhaps we
could trade! By the way, many readers are wondering, what size boots
do you wear?
Cowboy: I wear European size 43, which translates to an English size 9
½ and an American size, what size is that in the U.S.A.? I can never
remember, is it a size 11 or a size 8?
DD: I believe it is a size 11.
Cowboy: Well, they are average size.
DD: Don’t be modest, they are a little larger
than average, and so pretty, too.
Cowboy: Well, they are perfectly formed but pretty average, which
really blows that old myth out of the window, doesn’t it?
DD: It certainly does. From the look of
things, if the myth were true you would wear about a size 18!
Cowboy: I also like my boots to be very tight fitting so I can really
feel them when I walk around. And I like it to be an effort for a guy
to take my boots off, adds to the an-tic-I-pation of finally seeing me
DD: Oh stop! Now you have to take them off
Cowboy: It’s also a real turn on for me to watch someone getting all
hot and bothered when they have to really work, to get me to finally
bare all. Sometimes I’m such a tease that way.
DD: I’ve heard that thousands of fans spend
hours taking your clothes off, or changing your outfits. It must be
nice to get so much attention, being perfectly formed and all. Which
brings us to the subject of your clothes. How do you decide what
designs to wear? What kind of fit do you prefer?
Cowboy: It’s the same with my clothes, I always feel sexier when I can
really feel what I’m wearing. I have always liked restriction.
Sometimes I envy you women that you can wear all those real tight
fitting clothes and high heels and oh! Those corsets!
DD: Well, we certainly do have things in
common. As for foundation garments, they may be a woman’s salvation,
but they can be a bother. Sounds like you might just be a natural for
wearing some of my clothes.
Cowboy: In answer to your question from before, yes let’s trade. My
Gawd! Drag Billy is “Coming Out,” I can feel her.
DD: Breathe, Cowboy, just breathe. Here, use
my fan! The birth of a new Drag Goddess must always be assisted by a
Drag Mother. Perhaps we should discuss adoption?
Cowboy: Ummmm… we could talk about that, Diva…
DD: Later, darling. Now, back to sexy foot
attire, I think the readers have a boot fetish. What do you think of
that, being the object of desire to those with fetishes? Do you have a
foot fetish or anything yourself?
Master: I’m the one with all the fetishes, so I’d like to cut in here.
You really can go on Cowboy.
DD: Master does have a point, Cowboy. You’re
just yummy, but on the subject of fetishes, I hear Master rules!
Master: I can’t possibly talk to you about all my fetishes.
DD: Try me…
Master: Not ‘on the record’ anyway! But, I will admit, yes, I do have
a foot fetish and the summer is the worst time, especially in the USA!
DD: Why? I would think summer would allow you
to revel in a symphony of bare feet. Why is that a problem?
Master: Why? Because every man wears sandals. All you see all day long
is feet, feet, feet! Has anyone else found this a problem?
DD: I see. I guess you would walk into
things, always looking down. I admit, that photo of JFK, Jr. In
sandals quickened my pulse!
Master: Now Diva, is there a fetish you aren’t telling us?
DD: Master, what will my fans think? Let’s
change the subject. You really don’t seem gay at all! I mean, you are
such the masculine type. Do you find that a contradiction?
Master: Of course it’s not a contradiction, I can be masculine and gay
at the same time, but it’s all drag and good clean fun anyway: the
handcuffs, the leather pants, the vest, the hat, the studded arm band,
talking about it makes me go all hot and squishy inside. How about
DD: Well, I do get a bit damp when you
mention the handcuffs! Now, Master Billy, or should I just call you
“Sir”? Oh, I hope you won’t spank me for being bad.
Master: I’ll only spank you if you are very, very good.
DD: Well, I’ll have to make sure I improve!
You’re such a charmer, Master, you make me blush. Where was I?
Master: Right in front of me…
DD: I realize we do have some things in
common. I mean we both wear tight black garments close to the skin.
It’s all drag, isn’t it? Of course mine is lingerie, while yours is
dead cow, but then I do have a mink coat, so we’re even.
Master: It’s also one of my favorite outfits and I think it’s a crying
shame that some people think that way.
DD: Sir! I can’t imagine the thought of you
in a mink coat! I’ll bet you’d wear it fur inside because it feels
better, wouldn’t you? There are all sorts of people who think gays are
all swishing queens who fix hair as a hobby. What do you hope to
accomplish by going international? Some people say that the leather
community gives the rest of the gay community a bad name. How do you
Master: Well, Diva, the leather men and the drag queens
were at the forefront of gay liberation and should be given respect
for the fact they are diverse and highly individual segments of the
community. The gay community is richer by their presence.
DD: There has been some controversy about the
man/boy love thing. I believe that laws must be upheld, certainly, and
if they’re unjust they must be changed. But there seem to be lots of
“Daddys” out there and many “Sons” to keep them happy. Do you have a
“Son” or a “Slave” to keep you happy? Or do you simply content
yourself with costume and attitude?
Master: I have had many “Daddys” and many “slaves” in my time. It all
depends on my many, changing moods and I’ve never been one to get into
a mind set about such things. I also know I’m a different Billy to
different people, so you could say I swing in many directions.
DD: Speaking of different people -- San Fran,
did you get much flack from Ken and GI Joe when you were growing up? I
can’t imagine what they thought of you, being so well endowed. Did
they make fun of you in the shower room?
San Fran: Yes they did, but it didn’t last too long as I soon began to
poke a little fun at them back.
DD: Oh, Billy, you naughty boy! What did you
poke them with? Er…I mean, what did you poke fun at them with?
San Fran: Well, they have such odd bods, don’t you think? What with
all those nuts and bolts, limb joints and badly sculptured bits and
pieces, not exactly hot stuff.
DD: I agree! That unsightly little lump
trying to pass itself off as manhood. Why look at you - mmmmmm! Now
there’s a bit of manhood! But really, truly Billy, don’t you get a bit
embarrassed some times, like in little bathing suits? Surely people
must stare at you! And those other little-lump-men must be jealous.
San Fran: Who in their right minds would be embarrassed for being so
blessed? OK, shopping for bathing suits and underwear can sometimes
take a little longer than necessary due to the fact that the store
assistant keeps insisting that I try on more and more styles,
continually measuring my inside leg and pinching and tucking me for
hours on end.
DD: Speaking of which, excuse me dear, but
you are starting to creep out the side there…yes, I’ll just push it
back up a little… There, there, and a little pat for good luck!
San Fran: Why thank you Diva. You have such a fashion sense, and a
sure touch as well.
DD: Come now, Billy, I do my best. Do you
year that Master? He thinks I’m pretty good.
Master: You’ll get yours, Diva, just wait!
DD: But back to you San Fran, I’ll bet you
wear out your credit card buying cute little outfits, don’t you?
San Fran: I always leave the store with more styles than I need or
want. Does anyone out there want some of my old underwear? I’ve really
got far too much.
DD: Get back! All of you! Stop pushing me or
we’ll end this interview right now! Hey! You can’t have that pair,
he’s wearing them! And stop staring! Haven’t you ever seen a perfectly
formed, gorgeous guy before?
San Fran: On the issue of staring, who cares? Everyone stares and at
the end of the day, you’ve got what you’ve got and if it’s a lot, make
the best of it - show it off - enjoy life!
DD: Now Billy I must confess, before I met
you when I was a little girl, I had all sorts of fantasies about the
other boys. I remember playing GI Joe rescue games, where I was tied
up and he came and rescued me various ways… What are these guys really
like? You know them, tell us.
San Fran: Joe’s an O.K. guy actually, although I don’t agree with his
politics or his reason for living which seems to always revolve around
his tommy gun - a little scary that way. Kenny is kinda sweet too, but
I wouldn’t want to be locked inside his head, hiding away in Madam’s
dream house closet for all these years!
Master: Don’t you just love the way San Fran is so positive? He never
has a bad word to say about anyone or anything. Ain’t that the way to
be, instead of constantly bitching and always seeing the negative side
DD: I quite agree. But Master, you don’t seem
to have many bad things to say -- unless they want you to say bad
things, I mean.
Master: That’s one aspect of the gay community that really gets me
down: how down the so-called community can be on things, the press in
particular, instead of focusing sometimes on what’s great about being
gay. All they do is moan about the bad things that go on. Well, we all
know bad things go on, but let’s lighten up sometimes, please!
DD: Well, that brings us to the moment of
truth. All of you - what do you think is the most important message to
gays today? If each of you could say anything you wanted, what would
it be? Who wants to go first?
Master: The most important message to gays today would be - …
DD: How like you to go first, our dominant
leader. Sorry to interrupt, do go on.
Master: …please be responsible whilst having tons of fun. Always wear
a condom and practice safe sex.
DD: But many think it isn’t sexy at all to
wear condoms. What do you say to them?
Master: You can still be hot and sexy and still be responsible. I
should know, I am.
DD: Do you wear condoms? All the time?
Master: Well, no, of course not. I don’t wear them whilst I’m out
shopping at the local store or popping to the corner for a video.
Although maybe that wouldn’t be a bad idea. It’s kinda sexy in a kinky
sort of way - maybe I’ll try that. But back to your question, I wear a
condom every single time I have sex, and so do my sex partners. I am
proud - even ‘out and proud’ to say “I practice safe sex.” I’ve grown
to love condom’s over the years and there’s no alternative - except
celibacy, and that’s not a character trait of mine I’m happy to say.
You’ve got to grow to love condoms and feel sexy, strong and powerful
wearing them, knowing that by wearing condoms you are, in effect,
fighting and beating this damn disease. Get off on them, make it a
sexy part of your sex life!
DD: How about you other guys? How does the
rubber do against your plastic skin?
ALL: Condoms are like a second skin to us, a rubber one! Ha! Ha! Ha!
DD: Now Cowboy, what is your most important
message the world?
Cowboy: The most important message to gays today would be - please
celebrate individuality and diversity in our community and in the
world. The richness of our culture is what will keep us strong. We all
can’t be the same as everyone else, so why waste time trying?
DD: Are you aware that some activists say
it’s silly to think that Billy could be a spokesman on gay issues?
You’re just as real as I am, or RuPaul for that matter. We seem to do
rather well in delivering messages. They seem to be the same activists
who tell us there is only one way to be gay. What do you say to them?
Cowboy: The same type of activist who says my Cowboy drag or your drag
for that matter is a negative stereotype. Well to that person I say “I
can wear whatever I want and do to my body whatever I please” - I
always thought that was all part of being gay anyway.
DD: Oh Cowboy, I do hope those limited,
exclusionary activists are reading this. You’re so right.
Cowboy: Another thing, I always thought there was more to being gay
than the way you look.
Cowboy: No, not you, I mean the way one looks. I wouldn’t really want
to say anything to this type of person, as they must be terribly
narrow minded with no imagination at all. Normally, I would keep clear
of them and the issue, I find it boring, but you have asked me a
serious question, so I’ll answer you seriously. I am a member of the
“gay and lesbian community” and therefore I have every right as a
member of that community to do whatever I can to work towards
comprehensive acceptance for the World’s Gay and Lesbian Community as
Human Rights, and I will continue to devote my time, energy and
product to this cause. As we all know, there are different types of
activism. Equality is never won only by speech making and
demonstration, although these forms of activism are absolutely
crucial. There is also visibility and popular culture, music and dance
are just as important in the fight for acceptance as speech making and
lobbying governments. So in that respect I am a valid spokesperson, a
‘real’ spokesperson. As you say, as real as you or RuPaul and just as
valid. Glad I got that off my big hairless chest!
DD: My, my Cowboy. When you get going you’re
Cowboy: Thank you, Diva, I just had to say it.
DD: San Francisco, you know I live in your
city now! I see you on the streets all over the place but you never
say hi. I forgive you, you popular thing you. But now that we’ve met
you’d better say hi or you’ll get one of these drag queen pumps in
your… Just kidding, sweety. What is your message to the fans out
San Fran: As you were talking about with Cowboy, there are many
different ways to educate, liberate and be politicized. We all have a
responsibility to do our bit in our own way, and we also have a
responsibility to allow others to do their bit in their own way too!
DD: Well, my dear! You certainly seem to feel
strongly! Somebody get her a fan! In my role as provocateur, I must
say that some gays in San Francisco seem to believe that one can only
be truly gay if one is from San Francisco. What do you say to them?
San Fran: I am a member of a WORLDWIDE Gay & Lesbian community!
DD: Boys, we have been rude. Sailor Billy has
been over there exchanging phone numbers with my crew this whole time
and we haven’t let him in the conversation. Sailor, if your head is in
a position from which you can speak and we can hear you (yes, that’s
right, get your leg out from in front of his mouth - thank you). What
is your message to gays around the world?
Sailor: I know it sounds a little 60s, but here goes. I want to
promote love, understanding and acceptance, not war, violence and
hatred. I want to smother you all in kisses on this voyage of love. I
think that’s a very important message. Don’t you think?
DD: Why I couldn’t agree more. Now, since
you’ve already smothered my cameraman with kisses, I believe it’s my
turn. But before we leave, are you available, or are you married? The
fans need to know. And how do they find you if they are interested?
The question is, are you available and where?
Billy: I’m always out there, ready to make another friend and there
are already a lot of ‘friends of Billy.’ But there is always room for
lots more. I’d just like to close this interview, which by the way has
been lots of fun, by trying to explain to anyone who may have been a
little confused reading this piece, that you have to remember that my
different, shall we call them “looks” are not the result of a multiple
personality, just a series of different outfits. And finally, I’d like
to repeat what Cowboy Billy said: that closets are for fabulous
outfits, not people. So “come out” and join me - wherever and whoever
I just saw Liza Minnelli’s current concert tour. She was fantastic!
She seemed a little crippled from her hip surgery, and her voice was
weak. She even mentioned these things. Yet she sang and performed like
a goddess. I’m pissed at the things we’ve heard about her in the
trashpress. She is a living legend and is the last real singer. These
new divas, even Babs, can’t hold a candle to her on stage. Please
print this letter. I’ll never be able to say anything to her about how
I feel, but if it’s in print, maybe she’ll read it.
You have a fan who has written the letter printed above. It is Diva’s
policy to print and answer all letters, but this is one you might
better answer yourself. I’m sure you read my column, doesn’t
everybody? So, just write to me and I’ll give you his address.
Dear Liza Fan,
How dare you insult the unconquerable Streisand! Diva is in a rage
that one of our icons has been tarnished. Your assignment is to go to
the Streisand Museum on Castro Street in San Francisco and do 100
hours of community service. And don’t dare call her Babs in Diva’s
You are right, however, about Miss Minnelli. She has been maligned in
the press and trashed by every loudmouthed twinky old enough to read
tabloids! Her presence on stage is unequaled, though in Diva’s opinion
Midler comes a close second, and the new singers do rely on electronic
effects and costume to lure the audience far too often. Why don’t you
write to Liza yourself? She is, we hear, of the old school of
celebrity manners and answers letters written to her.
Diva sheds a tear on the loss of fashion saint Versace. The decorative
sensibility of our community has been forever validated by this
genius, who has boosted us into new heights of sexual self awareness
and attractiveness. As fashion of the 40s celebrated the sultry
sexiness of women, Versace frees all people to become the delightful
showpieces that we are. God rest your vibrant soul.
As for the circumstances of his death, let’s take a good lesson. There
are all sorts of people out there, and many are very sick. Be careful
when you invite someone into your home for casual sex. Do yourself and
them the favor of getting to know them a little first. We have many
predatory men doing harm to our community, men who have apocalyptic
thinking - abused as children, neglected and punished by life, out for
revenge feeling nothing to lose. And, my dear police department and
FBI, your naiveté is simply unacceptable in today’s world. The
newspaper quotes that the presumed assailant “had made no effort to
disguise himself, other than a small goatee.” Duh! Put it together
boys in blue: handsome-to-pretty man, small, exotic features. Sounds
like a trany who can pass to all of us! What’s taking you so long? We
are dying out here.
Like, what’s up with Mike Tyson? What do you think about him? Do you
have advice for him? Should he be kicked out of boxing?
Dear Mr. King,
How sweet of you, you merchant of meat, to ask Diva for advice. First
advice is get a new job, with clients who are upstanding citizens, not
rapists! Sorry to ruffle, but you might just get farther with more
What’s up with Mr. Tyson is clearly a case of
ego/anger/money/guilt/celebrity syndrome. He has done some nasties and
found that no matter where you go, there you are! If wealth made you
happy, or the power of wealth and celebrity made you invincible to the
law, then we wouldn’t see such tantrums. Why, we can probably expect
some of the same from other celebrities who have been acquitted
recently as well.
What is my advice for Mr. Tyson? Well, dear, Diva will give advice to
the person asking. If he wants advice, he can write, fax, e-mail or
call and he’ll get it. The reason is, when you get to the point of
asking for advice you are ready to hear it, or at least willing. Since
the question comes from you and not Mikey, he clearly doesn’t want it.
It is doubtful he would lend Diva his ear…
Tina Turner, Nina
Tina Turner owns an estate in the South of France. Nina Simone also
lives in the South of France. Will you get them together and do a show
Enchanted with Chanteuses
You know, a joint show didn’t work with Dolly Parton (terribly jealous
of Diva’s voluptuous chest), nor Barbra Streisand (couldn’t find a
song to meld her terribly small range with virtuosity sublime). It is
a lovely idea. However, Tina would have to hide her legs and Nina get
breast implants to compete. Besides, do you think they would work with
someone as young as Diva?
The Passing of a Princess
A choreographer friend once created a ballet about the coronation of
Queen Elizabeth II. In the process, this choreographer wrote to HRH in
an effort to allow Her to comment and have some control over the
depiction. The letter from Buckingham Palace read: “I am commanded by
Her Majesty the Queen to inform you that she has no comment on the
subject at this time.” It was during her annus horribilus, one must
assume. The British royal family has traditionally remained above
common pursuits: paying taxes, raising children, marital fidelity, and
commenting to the press.
Along came Diana, a modern woman unwilling to endure this persecution
and repression. As a result she became the most famous woman on earth,
the most photographed and, damn the idle vultures to hell, the most
harassed person in history, whose sense of duty invited a public
visibility which we took too far. The paparazzi have claimed her life,
like a parasite which kills its host. Diva is delighted this happened
in France. There is no less forgiving culture than the French, nor
stricter legal system. We can all pray the Winsors will be allowed to
grieve in peace, and the irascible French will properly deal with the
motorcycle murderers. Undoubtedly, there will be a charity named to
receive contributions in her honor. Let us, the gay community, show
our dignity and contribute generously.
Princess Diana Honored
by Sisters Of Perpetual Indulgence
As millions around the world have mourned and paid tribute to Lady
Diana, Princess of Wales, the gay community has taken its place next
to all others. When Princess Di hugged AIDS sufferers without
protection, she embraced gay culture, and acknowledged what we knew
first about the transmission of AIDS. Her simple gesture taught our
lesson to the world.
On Friday, September 5, San Francisco honored Lady Di. The Sisters of
Perpetual Indulgence organized a candle light march, ending in front
of the British Embassy. The long march down Market street, led by
children and their parents, followed a truck with a sound system
playing music of all sorts, from country to classical to liturgical to
gospel to popular, and Elton John was played many times. Diva walked
next to a lesbian who’s step mother had died the day before. She said
she needed to march to honor both Diana and Kathy, her mom. A man
without legs wheeled himself on a board the miles to the Embassy, over
street car tracks and exhaust grates, and held a candle. Proud and
innocent, the children led us, and a young man took time from jogging
to sit beside the 14,000 marching to weep openly.
The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, you know - the crazy folks
dressed as nuns cavorting about San Francisco, those freaks who make
mockery of all that is sacred and fools of themselves with their
bizarre displays. Friday, those Sisters showed the world who they
really are. They are not at all the group of irreverent exhibitionists
the media has shown. They organized the first AIDS fundraiser ever
held in 1981, and have continued to come to the aid of various
disenfranchised communities. When a gay man was beaten by the bus
driver who, after being convicted and sentenced, was welcomed back to
work by a blind and arrogant union, the Sisters donned their wimples
and robes and blocked the transit system until justice was done.
Lately they have worked to support women and cancer issues. You would
be hard pressed to find any disenfranchised community who has not been
helped by the Sisters at some point, and many individuals have turned
to them for help. Their membership has dwindled from AIDS, always to
be replenished by those brave enough to do something for someone else.
And, remarkably, they have always kept laughing and joyous throughout.
The march was conceived by several Sisters, including Sister Penny
Costal, Sister Damanda Tension and Sister Pigmentia Stigmata. True to
her name, Sister Vicious Power Hungry Bitch pushed herself to the
front of the pack and took control, producing a cohesive and elegant
event in record-breaking time. The Glide Memorial Church choir sang
gospel tribute moving many to tears, and Clive Jones, founder of the
AIDS memorial quilt project, spoke.
Sister Kitty Catalyst put pen to paper and wrote a prayer delivered
one sentence, one Sister:
“Many have asked why do so many people grieve for this loss? Did they
know her? Did they even meet her? The answer is, yes. We knew Diana to
relate to her humble beginnings to the road to becoming the people’s
princess. We can also relate to turning trouble, suffering and loss
into action. We all have our reasons to grieve.
“Perhaps we’ll miss her unstoppable spirit and determination to carry
on. And to care for her two sons despite extraordinary hardship. Her
success as mother, princess and care giver are surely missed. Perhaps
we’ll miss the many visits she made to hospitals and hospices, where
ill , wounded and dying people were treated with respect and dignity
by her. She demonstrated to the world that to care for, touch and love
gay men with AIDS was appropriate and didn’t lead to anything but
compassion. Perhaps we’ll miss the way she used her position to bring
to light institutionalized hatred and senseless wars.
“Banning land mines was one of her many campaigns, and a world ban on
them would be a fitting tribute to her many visits to land mine
victims, particularly the children. Perhaps we’ll miss the realness
she brought to the Crown. Her ability to smile through the bad times
and bring warmth to others. She suffered eating disorders, an unhappy
marriage and a home life that oppressed her. Many of us can relate all
too well. Perhaps we’ll miss the post-modern princess who auctioned
off her designer dresses to raise millions for charity, and was no
stranger to night-life and glamour.
“She truly used her nobility for the good of us all: the sick, the war
wounded and the homeless. We’ll miss Diana, survivor, mother,
humanitarian, friend to the masses, and post-modern princess.”
And, on the request of the Sisters, Diva presented the following
“Your Highness, Lady Diana, Princess of Wales, Queen of our hearts,
thank you. We all thank you. You showed us how to behave and taught us
how to feel. In our grief, we will try to continue the work you began,
in ways we can. We are not rich, or powerful or famous. We are little
people, ordinary people. But we vow to you, Lady Diana, that every
time we find a homeless person, we will help them. Every time we see a
child who is lost or needs help, we will give them nurture and
support. We vow to you that every time we see a drunk, passed out, we
will leave an apple or an orange next to them so they might wake up to
nourishment like we do. And we will continue your good work starting
now. The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, spiritual leaders of the gay
community in San Francisco, will be passing buckets around to collect
money to support the charities that you have chosen. We will give
generously whatever we can, so that you will know your work continues.
We miss you. We thank you.”
At press time $2,700 was raised for Princess Diana’s charities via the
Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
Berkenstocks, Burritos and Ms. Behavior
Miami - you are in for a real treat! Ms. Behavior is coming to town!
Last week, while Ms. Behavior was in Washington, DC on her book tour
(yes, the very author of "Do As I Say" on sale now) and she and Diva
Well, it was really much more than lunch. First, we donned our hiking
boots and took a stroll along the canal, munching on trail mix and
granola. Her ability to make animal noises was simply inspiring, but
not as impressive as her knowledge of edible plants. Then we stopped
by the motorcycle shop where we took a test ride on a new Harley she
is considering. She is so handsome atop that throbbing piece of power,
girls, the picture of confidence.
At last, and Diva was dying to remove her knap sack and freshen her
lipstick, we arrived at our designated location for lunch - the
National Zoo. Ms. Behavior had special burritos prepared and delivered
beside of the Giraffe pen for our little al fresco adventure. And over
burritos great things were discussed. Her wisdom is admirable, and
Diva is delighted to say that much of that wisdom is to be found in
her new book.
Talk centered on the problems that women of advice encounter (letters
that must be answered quickly but there is no address or phone number
included, wierdos who ask questions that cannot be answered, the
perils of being a pop-culture icon, and fans who cannot figure out the
birth gender of an advice columnist). In the end, Ms. Behavior assured
Diva that it was much more of a stretch for her to get into drag than
And, my lucky ones, you can meet her in person on Thursday, October 26
in Miami Beach. At 8:30 pm she will be reading and signing at Books
and Books (933 Lincoln Road) and at 9:30 pm she will do her wonderful
live presentation at Club 821 (821 Lincoln Road). So turn out in
droves and buy her book. We advice columnists like it that way.
Widow Norton - Jose Sarria
Dearest Diva Devotees
Diva just returned from a trip to San Francisco where she was
recording her new CD, which will be released in the new year. While
there she was invited to tea with Her Imperial Majesty, Empress I, The
Tea was served on Martha Washington's Mount Vernon tea service, in
special tribute to Diva's current residence in Washington, DC. The
table was fitted with the finest linen and bone china, and the
personal server boy Diva was given for the afternoon was too cute for
words in his livery. The highlight of the tea was a hot apple pie from
Her Majesty's personal recipe which was delicious and, as Diva was
told by Her Highness, has a secret ingredient. Diva can only imagine
what would make apple taste so wondrous, and have a slightly pink
tint. It was a delectable gay tart.
The ladies' discussion hit on many subjects (topics, too), and Diva
was made aware of the great contribution the Drag Courts of America
have been making in fundraising. Of the nearly four score courts
throughout our country, millions of dollars have been raised to help
people of our community and others. Much of the money goes to people
affected by the AIDS plague. Diva urges you all to contribute to these
worthy events in your local area and to follow the example set by Her
Majesty's loyal subjects. We must stand together as a community and
show our willingness to work toward solutions for ourselves. Diva
herself was inspired, and did a fundraising performance at Kimo's,
where funds were raised for the Gay Games.
A very big public thank you to Her Majesty, who has dedicated her life
to service in the gay community. Look for her in the upcoming film "To
Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, love Julie Newmar."
Diva Throws Down Her Gloves
Dear dear, Ann Landers,
Good Lord girl, what were you thinking? Diva took to her bed for a day
when she read your comment:
"...the recent commotion is whether the gay father in Virginia should
attend his son's wedding without 'Jason,' his companion of 12 years.
"My advice was to leave the decision up to Jason. I said, 'If he's a
first-rate fellow, he will encourage you to attend the wedding without
When we ladies of experience and wisdom pick up the pen, my dear old
Ann, to impart the wisdom of our years to those in need we essentially
do one, and only one, thing - we make the decision to be responsible
to our community. There is so much credibility to what is printed that
we must be very careful to say considerate, informed and compassionate
In your own lifetime, Ms. Landers, you have known a time when very few
of us women were allowed to publish in our own names. You were one of
the first and wrote largely in a time when women did not yet have the
self-esteem to stand up to the common male wisdom. You succeeded, dear
girl, and you have by your example opened the eyes and hearts of
millions. You helped to change the status of women. Would you, in
those days, have told a woman not to attend her partner's son's
wedding because there were chauvinist men there? Hell no!
Now I hope you have noticed the date at the top of this paper, it says
1995! That means that you must recognize that gay people are beloved
children of God and deserve all recognition. What's more, they are no
longer willing to take the invisible back seat in society. So, I
suggest you change your attitudes to something less antediluvian. I
mean this with love, of course. (By the way, you may want to check out
some new hair styles as well. Call me, we'll talk)
OJ Simpson, Seriously
Over the past few months, Dear Diva® has received many letters
regarding the OJ Simpson trial and related issues. Diva has not
responded, but with the volume of faxes and letters received since the
verdict, she must now address the issue.
Many people are angry that he was not convicted, many are celebrating
his release as if it is their own personal freedom that has been won.
Women have written expressing their fears that the verdict implies
approval of wife beating. And many speak of personal vendettas to
Out of all of the storm of public opinion, Diva must turn her respect
and support to the sentiments expressed by The Reverend Jesse Jackson.
Jesse is right, there is no cause for anyone to celebrate. Two people
are dead, children are motherless, the court system is corrupt, police
don't know how to do their jobs, trust in the government is waning,
and people are hating each other.
Diva calls on the gay community to become a role model in this. We
gays and lesbians have never had the support of the government, police
or society. We have been discriminated against - forever. Yet our sub
culture is one of non-violence. It is this aspect of ourselves that we
must turn to at this time. One does not overcome hatred with
bitterness, but through the slow process of educating others.
Whether or not OJ is guilty, the jury found him not guilty. But he
abused his wife terribly, of that everyone is sure. When he makes his
public statements, and if he appears at the Million Man March (can you
imagine a million men in one place? - get me my fan...), he must
answer for the abuse he inflicted so that others don't feel that
abusive behavior has been condoned. Abuse must stop; OJ must atone
Dear children, let us take on the job of showing that victims do not
have to become perpetrators. We can be the example, and we must. Let
us show how to be tolerant and loving of all people. Let us each be an
example of the good qualities that are in us, specifically honesty and
fairness. It's not about color or money or power or fame, it is about
the courage to be honest and fair. Let us show compassion for the
families of Nicole Brown-Simpson and Ronald Goldman, let us show
kindness for OJ Simpson and his children. Let us learn how to support
the abused and help them to be free from the prison of abusive
relationships. Let us be people loving people.
Have you or have you not had an affair with Kenneth Starr?
Signed, Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond
Dear Warts On The Nose Of Society,
Now we all knew you two are close, but really, a joint letter to Diva?
What’s next, two straws in your ice cream float? You boys should stop
hiding the fact you are seen at La Cage Aux Follies and formerly at
the Chesapeake supporting the enterprise of working youth! And didn’t
you boys have a heart attack or something - not fatal huh? Too bad.
Mr. Starr is an unlovely man and sometimes feels alone and afraid in
this world where everything is judged on appearance and image. Even
becoming a judge didn’t help with his low self esteem. So it may well
have happened that he and Diva were alone in the heart-shaped office.
The demands of my position are far too rigorous to allow memory of
every visitor to the office. And we may have shared an embrace, it is
like Diva to give a hug to bereft, lost souls. Why, perhaps there was
a kiss - on the forehead. And, afterward there were many letters and
notes from him, none of which indicated the slightest outrage or
feelings of impropriety.
The nature of Diva’s relationship with Mr. Starr is not sexual. It is
a ridiculous charge, the result of a conspiracy by bitter queens who
haven’t gotten the fame and success Diva has. Hopefully these charges
will be thrown out so as not to detract from the important work that
must be done, though if Diva were Mandy Mascara or Trudy Trailor
Trash, she’d relish her day in court.
I have heard that Judge Kenneth Starr is a transvestite. Can you
confirm this rumor? Inquiring minds want to know!
Dear Miss Reno,
What a scandal you propose! Why, if it is true, he will loose the
private funding from his right-wing bigot puppeteers! But let’s pray
it isn’t so, Janet. The transvestite and transgender community are
kind and wonderful people, unlike Miss Starr. Drop your probe, it
would be too insulting to have him as part of our group.
By the way, how is your laser facial hair removal going? It is said
the numbing jell doesn’t always work so well. Call when the surgery is
complete, we’ll have a party for the final version of you!
Do you feel anyone’s sexual preference or activity has any bearing on
their ability to perform their job? I.E. President Clinton.
You certainly do need advice! But, since you asked, you’ll get an
Sexual preference has no bearing on job performance, unless you are
hiding yours and feel guilty about it. In that case, you will find
others who are open about their sexual preference very annoying. Take
for instance your closest closeted Congressional comrades. It seems
the louder they condemn homosexuality, the more we’re convinced they
are friends of Dorothy in Wicked Witch clothing!
As for sexual activity, well, of course it alters job performance. Did
you ever drive down the highway behind someone who was getting head?
My dear! The car swerves all over the place, accelerates suddenly,
then slows to a crawl. Or how about the long distance operator with
Benoi Balls? Your domestic call might be patched through to Singapore!
Let’s not forget the football captain who just got banged in the
locker room, you know him, the one who could care less if the team
wins or looses! We have all seen taxi drivers rear-end a car while
they ogle some sexpot walking by. And how many semi drivers make late
deliveries because they spend too much time in that little bedroom
behind their seat?
Of course, it is important for a President to be virile and stress
free. In fact, who would follow a prudish leader in this sordid world?
There is nothing wrong with being sexy, and everything healthy about
having sex. Listen, Newt, you should try to get laid. I know it’s been
quite a while. But someone out there is bound to like fat old men with
My husband is a prominent politician who’s been accused of having an
affair. Should I keep him or dump him.
Confused on Pennsylvania Avenue
P.S. (please don’t publish this)
If your husband is a prominent politician, then you should be well
used to his peccadilloes. In fact, remember how his political success
made your juices flow? Admit it, dear, you are wild about his power
and prowess. Wouldn’t you find it a bit odd if he weren’t having some
affairs? As his wife, you certainly do a good job looking your best.
Who is that for, the press? I think not. Power is sexy, sex is
The question is, why should a woman dump a man who has had an affair?
The old view of marriage (in love for a lifetime, 50s superhero role
models, you chained to the kitchen while he was out being grand, women
as property, virginal on your honeymoon, etc.) came from a time when
people didn’t admit their humanity. The standards have changed. Now,
to promise himself to another, to compromise the love between you two,
those are grievous errors. A simple affair is not necessarily a reason
to dump him.
Consult your heart and find if you love him, the life you have with
him, and your desire to be with him in the future. If you come up in
the “pro” side of the pros and cons list, then stay and work it out.
If not, call your lawyer (are there any who aren’t already working for
Have you or have you not had an affair with the President. Be honest!
Signed, Paula, Monica, Jennifer
The President has sent invitations, admittedly, but none have been
accepted. You see, girls, unlike you who are turned to quivering
masses of dumbness by the nearness of power, Diva has standards. Don’t
dilly with a married man! Didn’t your mothers ever teach you that?
Well, the lesson is easy to forget, so you are forgiven. But you all
seem to have a problem, and this we shall address!
You three have done more harm to women globally than Marie Antoinette,
Nancy Reagan and Vanna White put together! Here we are in the 1990s,
highly technologized and liberated, supposedly. Women are to be
treated as equals to men, right? Well, it seems men are allowed to
have sexuality, virility, stamina and a sense of adventure. We women
thought we should too, until you girls thrust us back into the middle
ages with your pathetic victim whimpering.
Women are sexual, adventurous, and virile just like any man. Ask the
dykes, they’ll tell you. And if you are attracted to an overweight,
henpecked, vain middle aged man, other than feeling pity for your bad
taste, who cares? You have every right to go down on, hump, tease,
taunt, devour, tickle, lust, ball, screw, fetishize or dominate anyone
you want to, if they are willing. Now, here we women are, going about
our business, celebrating our bodies and our right to choose what we
do with those bodies, and along comes the Uptight Trio. Girls, you did
what you did because you are healthy. The man can’t be blamed.
Now, Paula, dear (I’m happy to put you in touch with my surgeon
anytime, just ask), it seems you are shocked that a man in a position
of power has sexual urges. If your story is true (gold-digger), you
weren’t really shocked, were you? Common, Paula, don’t make us seem
THAT stupid. Grow up, get a life and stop boring us with your dumb
My man does not behave. What do you suggest?
My dear girl, you should have chosen better in the first place! A
fickle man is a cross to bear, but there is hope. Some men are only
tolerable when they misbehave, so protect yourself and don’t take them
As for your man, you don’t mention what behavior problem is his. If
you are a domineering bitch, then anything he does may strike you as
misbehaving. You cannot control another person, particularly men. But
if you are a sweet, loving, stay-at-home, wait-forever, long-suffering
ninny, perhaps you should get some new clothes, freshen up and be more
desirable. But whoever you are, bitch or bore, if your man continues
to misbehave, either leave him or shut up. Staying around will only
make you bitter, dear. If that time comes, Diva will school you in the
sweet ways of revenge.
What does Dear Diva have to say to Saddam? Do you think Saddam is
lonely for gay loving?
Dear Mr. Bush,
Old rivalries never die, do they? Really, George, you are passe and
your son is in the spotlight. Get over your fascination with Saddam!
He lives in megalomaniac delusion. What self-respecting gay man would
have him? I’m sure there are some spanky-spanky queens out there who
might dream of him, or even act out Saddam scenes with their slaves.
But think of the reality of that pig.
He’s overweight, probably smells terrible, is obviously a slob and the
defoliation it would take to separate his eyebrows would keep drag
queen caretakers in work for a century. Besides, wouldn’t it be
romantic to be taken to the royal palace (under cover of night by some
drunken militia man) and wake up next to a nuclear processor or a tank
of nerve gas. And think of the stray bacteria floating out of the lab
that might find their way onto your toothbrush.
No girl, give him up as an unworthy goal. Focus instead on your golf
The judge has ruled that I can’t testify about my affair with
President Clinton. Now everyone thinks I am a liar. What should I do?
Dear Fat Lips,
Who cares what everybody thinks? You are in the history books now, you
modern Mata Hari, and you will get the book, movie, miniseries,
political cartoon, tabloid coverage you really want, so what’s the big
Pretending at this point to be denied the chance to tell the truth is
simply beyond belief. People who tell the truth are also people who
live by standards - something you seem to remember when it suits you
dear. Living by standards means staying standing when in the presence
of a married man. It also means not gossiping about your fanciful life
with some drone from the Pentagon. Perhaps you need a reminder, it was
Miss Twitt who has been behind almost all of the Republican attacks
against the bedroom habits of Democrats in power. She instigated
several high-horse, paranoid and prudish assaults, and you spill your
guts with her for hours over the phone. What did you expect?
We’ve seen some of the transcripts of your drivel and see you are
prone to exaggeration, falsification and tantrums. So if you did tell
the truth now, we would all laugh.
Accept your place in history and get your fat face off of our
television screens. We want the Simpsons, not reality.
What’s the meaning of Life? Really!!!
Dear Mr. Gates,
If you knew that, you would link it to Windows-Millenium when it comes
out and be facing more lawsuits. We’ll give you a hint: the meaning of
Life has nothing to do with power, money, sex, fame, food or
veneration of others. Now it is limited. Do an AltaVista search on
“meaning of Life” excluding these categories and see what comes up.
In the mean time, look to the Robber Barons, your money-mongering
predecessors (and betters). They raped the economy for personal
wealth, subjugated millions to their controlling whims - calling it
business and, chuckle, progress. They made millions - you’ve made
billions, same thing in today’s dollars. But, unlike you or anyone
else since Ronald Reagan spoiled the American soup, they left behind
great institutions, not the least of which is the Metropolitan Museum
of Art and a few dozen of the worlds greatest universities and
If these two paragraphs don’t guide you to your answer, give up the
search and accept your lot as a fool and a dolt.
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